Collin and I are meeting with a wedding planner on Wednesday. We’re sort of on the fence about how much planning we want to outsource, especially because it adds another line-item on the budget. But both of our sisters got married last summer, and both hired planners, and both said it was the best decision they made. Plus I got this planner’s name from a very well-trusted friend.
Anyway, on to the movie review! This week I watched The Wedding Planner, starring the Triple Threat formerly known as J.Lo. and the Texan stoner known to my friend Ban and me as MATH U.M.
And thank goodness I watched it now, because I’ve completely revamped my list of questions for our upcoming interview with our potential wedding planner. Now I will be sure to ask:
• If you had recently gone on a date with my fiancé, at what point in the planning process would you tell me that he’s a skeez? A) In this interview, B) Within the next week, once you have a private moment with me, or C) Never.
• Will you be requiring regular rescuing services from my fiancé? Do you realize that despite his training in biomedical research he is not very well-equipped to push you out of the path of a careening dumpster or to pull you off one galloping horse and onto another?
• Baby, are credit cards romance?
• Do you have any particular psychological baggage, such as being left by your fiancé the evening of your rehearsal dinner for another woman, that would make you ill-suited for a job in the wedding industry, and perhaps a dangerous candidate for an attempt at projected-vengeance through groom-theft?
• Let’s talk about your team. Is your assistant played by Judy Greer? Is she more like Fern Mayo pre-or-post makeover? Because I feel like our wedding would benefit more from a 13 Going on 30 Judy Greer, or even a 27 Dresses Judy Greer, than a What Women Want Judy Greer. You feel me?
• Also, how much will you gossip with your team about the chances of my marriage succeeding based on dubious indicators such as my bridesmaids’ dresses or our first dance song? Do you realize that you falling in love with my groom is sort of a gigantic honking lurking variable here?
• Do I gotta keep you iced? Do you wanna spend my cash?
• What do you have in your emergency kit that would help us should one of our guests break the genitals off a rented statue?
• How about when Collin gets super-glued to said statue genitals?
• Do you know the traditional funeral flowers of far-away countries? Do you think my guests do?
• Will you be feeding toasts to any members of our wedding party? If so, will they be really trite and aim for parallel structure but not quite hit the mark?
• Do you want to drive my Benz? Or do you have your own should you want to floss?
• I’m sorry if these questions are repetitive, but professional ethics are really a sticking point for me. If Collin starts rescuing you and dancing with you and going on dates with you while we are planning my wedding to him, would you consider, if not telling me I’m about to marry a skeez, perhaps resigning from planning the wedding you are undermining?
• If you would withdraw your services because you fall in love with Collin, would you do so with adequate time for us to find a replacement, or would you just punt it to Judy Greer the morning of the nuptials so you can run off to the courthouse to marry some allegedly Italian, admittedly charming goofball your father has arranged for you to marry?
• Would you even go through with that very inconveniently timed wedding?! Because really, the allegedly Italian guy is way better for you. I mean, he proposed by putting the ring in a dollhouse he built for you! He even put a picture of your dead mother on the dollhouse’s mantle! I realize he sounds more Russian than Italian, but you’re Puerto Rican and I’m supposed to be pretending you are Italian too. I know he does embarrassing things like double fist entire bottles of wine on horseback, but doesn’t that just show his joie de vivre? He’s a happy, charming gentleman entirely devoted to winning your heart. Why would you leave him for someone you know to be a cheating, lying skeez! Don’t you want to be happy?
• Ok, final question. Even if I were broke, how much does your love cost?