I don’t know if you guys get The Knot Newsletter, but it includes totally helpful, not at all anxiety-mongering articles like 10 Planning Questions You Didn’t Know To Ask (sample question: “Do I really need someone to hold my dress when I pee?” Which, as asked, sounds like a question you DID know to ask, but let’s not get too nitpicky this early in the entry).
Yesterday the Knot dropped another fear bomb into my inbox: The 5 People Who Will Try to Take Over Your Wedding.
Holy shit! I hadn’t even begun to think about wedding taker-overers! And there are so many threats out there, just biding their time before they can assume total control of my wedding.
MY DAY. BECOMING THEIRS. NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We brides must be ever-vigilant! The Knot covered such “wedding hijackers” as modest bridesmaids (with no respect for the Pantone color of the year), know-it-all in-laws (with their experience and their advice and their hyphens), social networking butterflies (they might invite “Tom from MySpace!” Oh, topical humor), guests who offer free services (ewww, free!), and guests with children (heaven forfend!).
This list is barely scratching the surface of the evil forces plotting to take over your wedding. Here are three more Wedding Invaders to watch out for:
1. The Borg
Really, you should worry about all alien species invading your wedding. But the Borg are particularly scary, because, I don’t know if you’ve heard this, but resistance is futile. You will be assimilated! Your wedding will be part of the collective. You will be Bridecutus of Borg. The cybernetic bits coming out of your skull are definitely going to make it hard to put on your headpiece, your waxy pale skin that will not look good in a white dress, and just forget about the heart-wrenching personalized vows you wrote, because you’re part of a hive mind now.
Some wiseguy horticulturist brought this Asian vine to the U.S. in 1876 to help combat soil erosion. And farmers started to plant it, because it was cheap and hearty. And then it “ate the south.” Because the vines can grow A FOOT A DAY. The plant has smothered native species on the ground and damaged man-made structures like buildings and telephone polls with its weight as it climbs. Kudzu can uproot fully grown trees!
The invasion used to just be the bane of the Southeast U.S., but Kudzu is in Canada and Oregon now, and no one knows how it got there! Make no mistake, Kudzu is coming for your wedding next! Your bouquet of locally grown organic flowers? It’s all Kudzu now. And it will keep growing as you walk to the altar, winding its way down your dress, entwining your train to the aisle runner, rooting you to the ground a few crucial feet away from wedded bliss.
3. The Demmycrats
Did you guys know that the U.S. has a SOCIALIST president right now? I mean, he calls himself a “Democrat,” but he also calls himself an “American Citizen,” but I heard he was born in Hawaii. [Oh, that’s part of the U.S.? Ok, he was born someplace else then, I’m sure.] Anyway, socialists hate marriage! Engels wrote a whole book about marriage being bad. Obviously the Socialist President and his pinko leftist nutjob cronies in Congress are about to outlaw marriage. They just made it so even poor people (even poor people who SPEAK SPANISH) will have to have health insurance in a few years, and the only way I can think of to top that supremely evil maneuver is to break up loving couples.
Wouldn’t it be the worst thing in the world if you were planning a wedding and then the government said you couldn’t get married? Last time something like that happened and celebrities appeared in a musical short about it, it happened the same day Obama was elected President. Coincidence? I think not! I blame that foreigner communist-in-chief of ours. And the Demmycrats. Also I hate paying taxes!