Three Forces That Will Try To Take Over Your Wedding

I don’t know if you guys get The Knot Newsletter, but it includes totally helpful, not at all anxiety-mongering articles like 10 Planning Questions You Didn’t Know To Ask (sample question: “Do I really need someone to hold my dress when I pee?” Which, as asked, sounds like a question you DID know to ask, but let’s not get too nitpicky this early in the entry).

Yesterday the Knot dropped another fear bomb into my inbox:  The 5 People Who Will Try to Take Over Your Wedding.

Holy shit!  I hadn’t even begun to think about wedding taker-overers!  And there are so many threats out there, just biding their time before they can assume total control of my wedding.

MY DAY.  BECOMING THEIRS. NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We brides must be ever-vigilant!  The Knot covered such “wedding hijackers” as modest bridesmaids (with no respect for the Pantone color of the year), know-it-all in-laws (with their experience and their advice and their hyphens), social networking butterflies (they might invite “Tom from MySpace!”  Oh, topical humor), guests who offer free services (ewww, free!), and guests with children (heaven forfend!).

This list is barely scratching the surface of the evil forces plotting to take over your wedding. Here are three more Wedding Invaders to watch out for:

1. The Borg

Really, you should worry about all alien species invading your wedding.  But the Borg are particularly scary, because, I don’t know if you’ve heard this, but resistance is futile.  You will be assimilated!  Your wedding will be part of the collective.  You will be Bridecutus of Borg.  The cybernetic bits coming out of your skull are definitely going to make it hard to put on your headpiece, your waxy pale skin that will not look good in a white dress, and just forget about the heart-wrenching personalized vows you wrote, because you’re part of a hive mind now.

2. Kudzu

Some wiseguy horticulturist brought this Asian vine to the U.S. in 1876 to help combat soil erosion.  And farmers started to plant it, because it was cheap and hearty.  And then it “ate the south.”  Because the vines can grow A FOOT A DAY.  The plant has smothered native species on the ground and damaged man-made structures like buildings and telephone polls with its weight as it climbs.  Kudzu can uproot fully grown trees!

The invasion used to just be the bane of the Southeast U.S., but Kudzu is in Canada and Oregon now, and no one knows how it got there!  Make no mistake, Kudzu is coming for your wedding next!  Your bouquet of locally grown organic flowers?  It’s all Kudzu now.  And it will keep growing as you walk to the altar, winding its way down your dress, entwining your train to the aisle runner, rooting you to the ground a few crucial feet away from wedded bliss.

3. The Demmycrats

Did you guys know that the U.S. has a SOCIALIST president right now?  I mean, he calls himself a “Democrat,” but he also calls himself an “American Citizen,” but I heard he was born in Hawaii.  [Oh, that’s part of the U.S.?  Ok, he was born someplace else then, I’m sure.]  Anyway, socialists hate marriage!  Engels wrote a whole book about marriage being bad.  Obviously the Socialist President and his pinko leftist nutjob cronies in Congress are about to outlaw marriage.  They just made it so even poor people (even poor people who SPEAK SPANISH) will have to have health insurance in a few years, and the only way I can think of to top that supremely evil maneuver is to break up loving couples.

Wouldn’t it be the worst thing  in the world if you were planning a wedding and then the government said you couldn’t get married?  Last time something like that happened and celebrities appeared in a musical short about it, it happened the same day Obama was elected President.  Coincidence?  I think not!  I blame that  foreigner communist-in-chief of ours.  And the Demmycrats.  Also I hate paying taxes!

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13 responses to “Three Forces That Will Try To Take Over Your Wedding

  1. Please do keep sharing such extraordinarily useful educational tidbits from The Knot newsletter. I’m too scared to sign up myself.

  2. Also I think we should add cane toads in the same family as kudzu.

  3. this is completely amazing!

  4. You know, I have just GOT to sign up for these Knot newsletters. The confidential, “girlfriend please” tone makes me feel like I am out shoe shopping with my very best gal pal! Plus, OMG, they know me SO WELL! How did they KNOW I had my entire catering staff on speed-dial? How did they KNOW we are riding off to the reception in a vintage Rolls Royce? How did they KNOW he had tears in his eyes when he proposed? It is like they are IN MY HEAD! This is gonna be just like when I cried and whined until my mom bought me a Kid Sister doll, but BETTER, because I thought she was gonna be my new best friend and we’d go EVERYWHERE together, even the mall, and we’d stay up late and giggle until my dad threatened to lock us out of the house and we could put blue eyeshadow on each other and talk about how much we hated boys, except she didn’t do ANYTHING, she just sat there and didn’t even have an opinion on what kind of shoes I should wear with my cute new jumper, and I HATED her and one day I cut her head off with my dad’s hacksaw and left it in my mom’s vegetable strainer in the cupboard, and my mom screamed, and I got in trouble.

    Yeah, so anyway, now The Knot is totally my new best friend!

    P.S. ALSO: THIS POST IS HILARZ.

    P.P.S. Sorry I hijacked ur commentz with my weirdness.

    • You have hijacked nothing but the express train to Truthsville. The Knot is totally the Internet equivalent of a Toxic Friend. And the most toxic friends are made of plastic.

  5. I love this post.

    I also love Lyn’s comment.

    That is all.

  6. Ditto what lyn said. I am too tired from work to be funny. You guys got that covered. This is Hillarz.

  7. I love lists! This is an extraordinarily entertaining post.

  8. Thank you for the borg warning.

  9. I read the Knot Newsletter that infiltrated my inbox (clearly my spam filter is not up to snuff) yesterday. I was relieved to learn that I have not included any of these meddling busybodies who I obviously don’t want anywhere near my special day. I remarked to Tony, “THIS is why you should never have a wedding party.”

    Then my daughter walked up to me, gave me a hug and asked, “Can I be a flower girl? And you can buy me a pretty outfit? And I can carry a pretty flower? I can help make the flags.”

    Shit. I’m doomed.

  10. LOL – this is too good! I also get the knot newsletters and occasionally a headline will be too tempting to ignore – like this one was – and I click on it. So THANK YOU for ridiculing this better than I ever could! And lyn, also awesome response.

    P.S. I got totally interested in reading your description of kudzu

  11. Man, talk about focusing on the idea that a wedding is ONLY about the bride.

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