After reading Becca’s excellent post on wedding envy and how to overcome it, and all the thoughtful and intelligent comments exploring individual struggles with wedding envy, I would like to add my totally shallow and lame thoughts on top of the pile.
All of my wedding envy can be summed up in one nine-minute music video:
We’re having a secular Jewish wedding, but when I see Stephanie Seymour walk down the aisle in her $8,000 dress that is missing half a skirt, I want it ALL: I want the stupid dress with no front on the skirt. I want the big veil in my face. I want a giant golden crucifix!1
I want Collin to comb his hair, and I want this to be notable. I want him to wear a ruffly shirt.
We’re having the ceremony in the same place as the reception. But I want everyone to throw rice at us and clap as we leave the church. I want to step into a classic convertible, my stupid frontless skirt posing no obstacle.
I want to change into a slinky black off-the-shoulder number for the reception. I want Collin to change into a shiny blue jacket.
And we’re probably not having a wedding cake, but I want to lick the icing off the cake cutter in a provocative manner.
Most of all, I WANT SLASH IN A PINSTRIPE SUIT STANDING NEXT TO US WHEN WE CUT THE CAKE.
I didn’t want to get married outside because I was afraid of Mother Nature, but watching this video I wish I’d thought about the potential for a riotous fleet from the reception. Wine bottles knocked over! Bouquets discarded to soak in puddles! Some long-haired rocker dude doing a slow-mo crash through our tiered wedding cake! Why didn’t I think about these things? Oh, regret.
I hope this doesn’t come across as mocking, because I am serious as an oil spill. I comfort myself by thinking about how annoying it would be to attempt to recreate a fake wedding from a music video with a seven-figure budget. Even if I succeeded perfectly (and of course I would not), that success would not be appreciated by others. The wedding would be not at all “us,” because Collin is a scientist, not a rock star, and I am a wannabe lawyer, not a supermodel. Which would alienate our friends and family and suck out a lot of the meaning of the thing. Not to mention some of our oldest and youngest guests wouldn’t get the reference, and a lot of people who did get the reference would think our imitation was not particularly funny or awesome.
Plus, you know, I’d prefer not to die at the end of my wedding. So this is probably for the best.
1Please don’t tell my rabbi, once the bar is over and I find one! And don’t tell Collin’s Jewish grandmother, Dottie. And don’t tell my Catholic Grammy, either! Please!