I’ve Made a Huge Mistake

This week, the Knot has a helpful list of the “worst” or “most common” (depending on what link you click) wedding planning mistakes a bride can make.

Second on the list is a mistake so dreadful I feel obligated to bring it to your attention.

This mistake is worse than putting the wrong date on your invitations.  Worse than saying the wrong name at the altar.  Worse than signing up for the Knot’s newsletter!

Fellow brides, no matter what you do, DO NOT “read aloud to your fiancé… from bridal magazines.

“Look, we know it’s not the Stone Age, and there are plenty of guys out there who want to see their wedding as an event that reflects their style too (or at least one that isn’t dripping with pink froufrou). But there’s likely to be a limit to your fiance’s ability to cope with an infinite array of invitation choices.”

Fiancés hate weddings.  That’s why they get engaged.  To get that shit over with, so they can live the rest of their lives without dreading their wedding.  [Fiancés are also ALL dudes, by the way. Or have you forgotten your heteronormativity French?]

But the only thing they hate more than weddings is PINK FROUFROU.  What is pink froufrou, you ask? A contagious skin rash? A  mildewy residue that stubbornly sticks to shower grout?  A communist kitty cat?  No! Worse than all these things.  Pink frou frou is girl stuff.

Fiancés will tolerate exposure to wedding planning only to the extent necessary to protect against pink froufrou.  You may have your heart set on fuchsia unicorns frolicking through nests of puce tulle as centerpieces, because you are a girl and girls like that crap.  Well, be ready for your dude to nix that in favor of some stainless steel wrapped in black leather wrapped in bacon wrapped in Xboxes.  [You should accept that style choice, because it is his day too.  Don’t be a Bridezilla.]

But don’t think that because your fiancé put his foot down on the centerpieces that he actually cares enough to listen when you talk to him.  Especially when you are reading aloud from a bridal magazine. [Like your local edition of the Knot in print!  Only $4.99, at newsstands everywhere!]  That’s like using your mouth as a weaponized estrogen launcher.

I read one, just one, tip on how to soften square tables by matching chairs to chargers, and now Collin has testicular cancer.

Don’t make my mistake.  Listen to the Knot.  Only speak of weddings when spoken to.  And while you’re at it, try not to be such a girl.

Advertisements

22 responses to “I’ve Made a Huge Mistake

  1. I hate weddings so much I started my own blog about them.

    Also, the Knot’s advice to not read bridal magazines aloud to your fiance actually carries with it some unintentionally good advice: do not read bridal magazines. Whoops!

  2. Haha, gee, how convenient that we have The Knot to tell us what our fiances will and won’t accept…. Sheesh, they get more and more ridiculous.

  3. I’m sorry, but I think I’m in love with you. When Collin dies of testicular cancer (sorry, Collin!) maybe we can move in together and carve out a nice little existence that involves being eccentric old ladies who wear large hats and rail against things such as uneven syrup distribution across waffle surface area.

    Which is my way of saying that this is my favoritest ever post.

    I’m going to go work on figuring out how I can drop the phrase “using your mouth as a weaponized estrogen launcher” into everyday conversation.

  4. Hahahahaha! That throws my post from yesterday into even funnier territory. What would the Kn*t think about my partner wishing that bridal magazines were more gender neutral?

    I’ve read a few things from the Kn*t to Mr. Beagle and he normally starts to gag after about two sentences, just because the advice is so bad. Maybe that’s why the Kn*t doesn’t want us reading to our men — maybe they are worried men will see through their bullsh*t and tell us to stop listening and obeying to wedding magazines. Hey, they’ve got to protect the crap they produce.

  5. Please tell me that the title of this post references Arrested Development?

  6. This just made my day so much better. Also makes me want to start a groom’s magazine full of ideas on how to use dangerous power tools and raw muscle power to sculpt sports themed centerpieces (and warnings not to read to the brides, whose tender female brains would never understand). Gah.

  7. You mean I’ve had this weaponized estrogen launcher at my disposal the whole time!?!?! I definitely have not been wreaking enough havoc with that!

  8. I immediately e-mailed this entire article to my Collin, in the body of the e-mail so he can’t not click bwa ha ha ha ha. You are beyond hilarious.

  9. You already know how much I love poking fun at Knot advice, so it should come as no surprise that I am in love with this post.

    Also, how did you know what centerpieces Tony was concocting? Have you been eavesdropping?

  10. If it was up to me we’d be having the wedding in the garage with take out from In-N-Out.

    Also, I’m doing Centerpieces?

  11. I think I should call out sick today. It might be a case of pinkfroufou. the knot is so effin ridiculous but atleast it provides hours of entertainment

  12. Pingback: Registering Continues to Suck | HitchDied

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s