Triple Double

Today was a good day.

I’d been trying to write a post about suffering from depression for a while now, letting a draft malinger on my dashboard since at least the New Year. But I struggled with it. I struggled with the wording, sure, but what I was really struggling with was baring so much of myself to this audience. It’s easy to be Puff; it’s harder to be Sean, you know?

So, paradoxically, when I started to think of the post as a Wedding Undergraduate piece, something that would reach a much larger audience than my humble little wedding blog here, the words started flowing so much more easily. Because writing for HitchDied, I felt like I was setting myself apart as The Depressed One.  [Even though I knew that other people in my little circle within the wedding blog universe had struggled with depression.]  But writing for A Practical Wedding, I felt more like I was speaking out on behalf of, unfortunately, a pretty sizeable group of people who have had depression intersect with their life and their marriage.

So to everyone who thanked me today, everyone who hit the “Exactly!” button, everyone who shared their own story of their depression or their partners’, I wrote that post for you, so thank YOU.  Thank you so much for giving me the motivation I needed to write something I absolutely had to express.

And thank you for responding so warmly and kindly. Even those who are lucky enough to not have any depression in their lives. The comments and twitter messages and e-mails from old friends and total strangers alike touched my heart and moved me to tears.

I got a call from my beloved mother-in-law Viki, telling me how proud she is of me and how much she loves me. I told her I hadn’t really emotionally processed the whole thing yet, but I felt great.  And THEN I got a call from my ALSO beloved father-in-law Tom. Tom, who’s supposed to be my ally as a emotionally-reserved-WASP thrust into the Ginsberg Globe of Goo.  Tom, who started the conversation by telling me that my post made him cry. Which, in case that weren’t enough to break me, he then proved by crying a bit over the phone. And then he told me “Collin is lucky to have you, and so are we.” And then there was entirely too much crying for a pair of WASPS to admit to. So let’s just pretend we both nodded and swallowed heavily and carried on with our business without any emotion cracking our face, shall we? “Thanks for calling, sir.” “You are welcome, young lady who is betrothed to my son.”  Yes. That is how the conversation ended.

I’ll end this conversation by reiterating my gratitude to the A Practical Wedding community, to Meg for running the post, to Assistant Editors Alyssa and Lauren, to the readers,  and to the commenters.  And I also want to express my gratitude, if I haven’t enough, to the HitchDied community, to our family and our friends, both in the real world and in the intertubes. To anyone who may be new here, welcome, I hope you stick around.

I felt very loved today, almost overwhelmingly so. I think, maybe, this is a bit of a preview for how our wedding day will feel. And that’s really exciting.

Today was a good day.

15 responses to “Triple Double

  1. That was an awesome, brave post you wrote today, and as someone who has battled with mild depression and not so mild anxiety, it really hit home for me. Big hugs to you.

  2. You’re an awesome person. You know that right? And so loved. You know that too, right?

  3. I barely managed to hold back the tears reading your APW post, but now here I am, bawling at my desk.

    You’re awesome.

  4. I loved your post and this post made my cry (early in the morning! Thanks.). I’m glad you have such a supportive in-law family. Thanks for writing and sharing and all that good stuff.

  5. Seriously started tearing up—soon to be father in laws who cry ALWAYS make me bawl! :) Thank you, again, so much.

  6. I’m so glad you wrote it. It was brave and honest and I related to a lot of it. Thank you.

  7. I think it’s amazing how many people struggle with some form of depression (and/or anxiety), and yet, it’s so rarely discussed. Thanks for your guts and wisdom – I’m passing the post on to my sister, too, (who is nowhere near marriage, but would appreciate your words, I think).

  8. Thank you for that beautiful post. I suffer from anxiety – usually relatively mild – but it can start to drag me down into depression at times. It’s so difficult when your mind seems to have control over you and you just become trapped in it, alone. Reaching out is so important to try and break that spell a bit.

  9. ….life is so good………..especially with you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  10. Such a brave and beautiful piece that spoke to so many people. Thank you for writing it!

  11. I don’t know why I’m going through the motions of commenting, because Viki, once again, already said everything I meant to say. So I’ll just say: yes.

  12. Actually, no. Viki actually didn’t cover everything. I came back to tell you just how much the Ice Cube reference in your title and at the end made my day. I can rap that entire song — and I often do.

  13. I went through a lot of emotions when I saw your post on APW in my reader. From surprise to pride to concern to empathy to hope. I’m glad of this aspect to the online community that I hadn’t thought about before–that by thinking of writing on behalf of a group, you were able to get through something that you weren’t able to when just on your own. Strength in numbers.

    Also, even when serious, still just so you: “It’s easy to be Puff; it’s harder to be Sean.”

  14. Pingback: Reclaiming my life « Maryland Mel

  15. I am late to the party, but wanted to tell you how much I appreciated your post.

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