Royal Wedding Almost-Live Blog

I’m watching The Royal Wedding.

I have had three hours sleep, and it’s only because I snoozed for an hour that I got that many, which means a) I’m a little punchy b) I missed a WHOLE HOUR of people in elaborate hats strollin’ in while the commentators try their hardest to find something interesting to say about all this. So sorry!

I am watching the coverage on The Today Show, which is the mornin “news” program of choice in the HitchDied household, because Collin has a man crush on Matt Lauer.

So now, scattered observations, which if I’d already had my coffee I would properly liveblog, but I don’t know how to do that and eff if I’m going to learn anything new before the sun comes up. So this is live the way that Saturday Night Live is live when you live on the West Coast: sometimes I subbed in the dress rehearsal sketches, and I edited out most of the swearing.

  • Posh and Becks look unreasonably attractive. I am sort of confused why they are there, but if your wedding is going to be on television, I guess you need to put nice-looking famous people there to justify the hoopla.
  • They are talking about how Prince William must be missing his dead mom, and I’m suppressing the urge to vomit. Crack reporting: dead parents are missed on wedding days! You heard it on NBC first.
  • I am upset that Al Roker is talking and not telling me about the weather there, which I am quite curious about. I actually thought the little temperature bug on the screen telling me it is °47 F might be about the weather in London. It’s early.
  • I want to go back in time and tell 16-year-old Robin that over the next ten years Prince William will ugly up and Prince Harry will turn into a Ginger Fox.
  • I think the structure of this commentator panel is awesome. Matt Lauer is  asking the British people questions that make him sound like he just heard that the UK is a country. “What exactly is a scone?”  Meredith Viera is trying to maintain her dignity and provide her own facts, but she’s clearly nervous that she’s got American stuck between her teeth. The two British Commentators sound like they know everything that every royal has ever done or even thought about doing.
  • I’m in love with the exchange between Meredith and Lady British Commentator where LBC is all, “Well it is an undeniable fact that Kate’s mum is a social climber… not that there’s anything wrong with that!” and Meredith is all, “Self-made millionaires are the heroes of my culture!” and both British commentators chuckle politely.
  • Oh, Camille (That is what I think LBC’s name is.) “Fancy dress party” does not mean the same thing in American that it does in British.
  • The royals have BROUGHT IT when it comes to awesome hats. The red one with the loopy loops is my favorite. (I am an American so I lack proper hat terminology.) The one with the beige antlers is the biggest mishap.
  • When Pippa appears with her hair down, the ladies know it is “a sign,” and Andrew the Dude British Commenter adorably clueless: “a sign of what?”
  • Goodbye, birdcage veil fad!
  • [REDACTED REACTION TO DRESS. I can’t talk about this without giving away too much about my own dress.]
  • Kate is so pretty. I can’t say that interestingly.
  • Wait, I found it: I am feeling very insecure that my teeth are not nearly as nice as this British lady’s.  [RACIST!]
  • Is it normal for British bridesmaids to wear white? That dress is so plain and yet so awesome.
  • Harry is a scamp! I’d rather know what he just said to his brother than I would know what Bill Murray whispers at the end of Lost in Translation.
  • Awww! This was so worth waking up for.
  • Just like at actual weddings, I’m bored and wish all the singing would just be over with already.
  • They’re doing the thing where they ask people to break up the wedding! How can the country that brought us Four Weddings and a Funeral make such a rookie mistake?
  • Every time there is a problem with the sound I imagine some tech person having a stroke.
  • Ooh creepy patriarchal LITERAL hand transfer! Gross!
  • I totally want to say “and thereto I give thee my troth” in my vows.
  • Do I not understand this hand wrapping thing because I am American or because I am not Christian?
  • Boys choirs freak me right the fuck out even when they aren’t dressed to look like their heads sprout directly out of their shoulders.
  • Sorry to accidentally tap into the usually suppressed P part of my background when I’m supposed to be celebrating all things W-A-S, but the Church of England does their wedding ceremony all backwards. Sermonize before the actual nuptials so we have something to look forward to, doofs! (This goes for you too, Catholics.)
  • Collin has now woken up and offered many unpublishable comments.
  • I think it is so cute that even the people outside are singing the hymns.
  • True story: when my sister bought her first house, the previous residents were Brits. When I first heard the doorbell ring, I said, “why is the doorbell playing ‘My Country ‘Tis Of Thee’?” Totally seriously. I’m so American it is absurd.
  • Now at my wedding I’m going to be like, “Where’s my screaming throng of admirers?” Just kidding. Sorta.
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26 responses to “Royal Wedding Almost-Live Blog

  1. I had a ball reading this, especially the Harry parts.

    Kate is too classy for words.

    And I tuned in at 7AM Eastern, and they were explaining that there was still about 2 hours until the Royal Kiss. The idea of that kind of pressure nearly gave me a heart attack.

  2. Loooove your commentary. Thanks for getting up early so I didn’t have to! I’ll be watching the DVRed coverage at a postponed party tonight.

  3. This post is hilarious. I’m watching it on cnn.com right now and I’m so glad I read your commentary while it’s still at the beginning.

    P.S. Yeah, Harry is a total ginger fox.

  4. This ALMOST makes me want to watch it. Although I’d need Collin’s unmentionable comments to get me thru.

    I always, always had it for Harry over William. People would croon about William and I’d be like “give me more Harry!” I like the gingers.

  5. According to most reports I’ve seen, Harry told William that she was “here now.” Supposedly, as she came up beside him at the altar, Will said to Kate, “You look stunning, babe,” followed by “Yes, it looks fantastic, it’s beautiful,” describing her wedding dress. Those crazy lip-readers!

    And having “American in [one’s] teeth” is my new favorite phrase to describe the phenomenon.

  6. how awesome! i woke up at 7 and watched them emerge from church! she does look stunnning harry!

  7. One, my fiance wants to know why a bomber plane isn’t going to fly overhead OUR wedding (I reminded him he does get to arrive on a horse, but he then pointed out that Wills got SEVERAL horses.) The royal wedding has clearly ruined my fiance for non-royal weddings. 😉

    Two, ever since I went to a wedding in Ireland, I’ve been determined to bring the trends of hats and fascinators to America. I’m hoping that this wedding will actually do it.

  8. I watched a bit of the highlights this morning and enjoyed ABC’s LBC trying to explain Toad in the Hole to Diane Sawyer.

  9. Uh, what did Pippa’s hair being down mean? I’m definitely missing the joke!

    • It was a sign that Kate’s hair would most likely also be down. Well, a bride could have an updo and have a bridesmaid wear her hair down, but not really the reverse. So it at least showed that Kate wearing her hair down (which it was speculated she would because he hair is so pretty) was not ruled out.

  10. Huh. That is both logical and awesome. And they both have lovely hair indeed.

  11. I watched on CBS. They claimed that what Harry said to William was “Wait ’til you see her” which I have decided is correct, because that is adorable.

    The correspondents said that in England, the bridesmaids wear the same color as the bride, and that’s why Pippa’s dress was white. However, this makes no sense. Am I really supposed to believe that all English weddings have white bridesmaid dresses?

  12. Bridesmaids wearing white is as traditional as fuck, except no one does it anymore. This is seriously the only wedding fact I know.

  13. I’m just catching up on my blogs. I watched the wedding too. I got suckered in after I got up just to see the dress. Your commentary even a few days late is hilarious.

    Regarding the hand wrapping: it’s an Anglican thing. We’re having an Episcopal wedding, and our priest will do it too. I forget what she said the symbolism is, but I remember thinking that it was nice when she told me. Sorry, I’m no help after all.

  14. According to TLC, Princess Beatrice’s antler hat was best in show. True story.

  15. HAHA. Love it. I watched a little today and a little Anderson Cooper. His bitterness was out in full force and was awesome.
    Our running commentary at home included:
    -VW buses?! Really?!
    -How hungover WAS Harry?
    -Why was the cameraman fixated on the Asian choir boys?
    -Where was the camera for the crane shots mounted!? And how horrible would it be if it had fallen.
    And finally, does the Queen sing along to the National Anthem? Answer: No, no she does not.

  16. I’m not British either but I believe loopy loops is the correct term

  17. Even years after-the-fact, this commentary AND comments thread is bringing me great joy (not to mention relief, as I originally came here via your Depressed Bride article- cuz I are one). So funny, so fun. So good to remember that other weddings were certainly more stressful than mine.

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